


the things that they became

by Ashildrs



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, BAMF Inej Ghafa, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Major Original Character(s), Minor Kaz Brekker/Inej Ghafa, POV Original Female Character, Pirate Inej Ghafa, captain inej ghafa, how is that not a tag????, inej ghafa centric, its not a kanej fic but there are undertones, this is very oc heavy so if you don't vibe.... don't read it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 00:34:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,130
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26268058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ashildrs/pseuds/Ashildrs
Summary: two years after leaving Ketterdam, Captain Inej Ghafa imfamous on the seas, a name that people go running from. Her life in Ketterdam is behind her, and she's found a new family in her crew, a certain Ravkan ex-first army soldier in particular. Yet when Kaz Brekker has another job he needs her for, none of that seems to matter anymore. Inej was less finished with Ketterdam than she once believed.
Relationships: Inej Ghafa & Original Character(s), Inej Ghafa/Original Character(s), Kaz Brekker & Inej Ghafa
Kudos: 9
Collections: Grishaverse Big Bang 2020





	1. Chapter one: Kara's PoV

**Author's Note:**

> okay a few disclaimers real quick:  
> \- i wrote this in like a week because me and deadlines are mortal enemies, so the worldbuilding i tried to do is possibly iffy and there might be the odd plot hole.   
> \- me and first chapters are also worst enemies, i actually hate the first chapter of this fic and hopefully one day i'll rewrite it but i promise the rest of it is significantly better.   
> \- i should be updating every two days, but we'll see if i remember  
> \- this is very oc heavy, so if that's not your thing this probably isn't for you. The romance in this is between Inej & my oc, kanej features, but its more "complicated relationship history" than anything else.   
> \- Inej, Kaz and my oc (Kara) all have PoV chapters!  
> \- this is for the grishaverse big bang 2020  
> hope y'all like it

Kara always felt most alive when she was fighting. Perhaps there was something terrible in that, but there was no denying something in her loved to hear the crash of her sword against another. Loved the dance that followed, stepping back, forwards, dodge, strike, and on it went. There was less spinning and twirling and elaborate throwing of daggers than the stories would have you believe, but there was a certain grace to it. Yet no matter how much a part of her loved fighting, loved the beautiful thrill of it, she could never bring herself to love killing. She never had and she never would. Guilt always cloaked her whenever she drove her sword through a man’s heart, or put a bullet in his brain. No matter how terrible the person, to take a life was a cruel thing.

Killing slavers, however, was a little easier to bare than killing innocents (well exactly how innocent they were Kara felt was up for debate, but that was hardly relevant). Currently, she was trying to do just that. She was not doing particularly well at it, however. The short, dark haired slaver she was fighting had cornered her in the captains cabin, and taken her sword to boot. The doors had flung shut behind him, and Kara heart leapt uncomfortably as she realized she had hit the wall. There was no where else to back away to now. She still had her guns, one gripped tightly in her hand. Her eyes trained on the long thin sword trained at her heart. It was doubtless she could kill him if she wanted, but there was also a chance he could kill her. Kara was fond of life, she was not keen to die on a rotting slaver ship at the hands of some spineless asshole and his stolen sword.

“So this is awkward,” She said with a uncomfortable smile, never taking her eyes of the sword.

“It’s not awkward,” The slaver snarled, stepping forwards and shoving the point of his sword against her chest. “Just because that bitch captain of yours thinks she owns the damn seas – ” Oh but she does own the seas, Kara thought, hastily raising the gun in her hand, Inej Ghafa doesn’t loose. He broke off and scowled at her. The sword was putting fair distance between them, so she couldn’t stab or hit him with anything to throw him off. The sword was sharp enough to already be drawing blood at her stomach, where the slaver was jabbing it. Of course it was, it was her sword. Perhaps if she could shoot his hand, he’d be forced to drop it…

It seemed she would never have to worry about it. The doors were flung open again the man with her sword scrambled backwards to avoid being hit by one of them. Kara flinched too, then tripped and fell as she too tried to step back. She had intended to shoot the slaver, but when she looked across to the desk on the other side of the room she forgot all about him. The captain of the slaver ship was tripping backwards over his own feet, and following was a girl with two shining knives. Inej. One of her knives was quickly pressed to the mans throat. She hadn’t glanced over at Kara, but she knew Inej knew she was there. Saving me again. Kara would have been impressed if it hadn’t made her feel so bloody useless. 

“You’re dead Ghafa,” The Captain hissed, trying, and failing to fight Inej. Kara snorted, at that. People said lots of things about Inej. That she was invincible, the curse upon the seas, a goddess or a saint reborn to enact her justice, they were all lies. But they did say she never lost. Once she set her sights on you, you were as good as a ghost already. That was not wrong. People were often surprised to learn Inej was just a eighteen year old girl, no one was supposed to be so formidable so young. Kara knew a little of why, a few spare details of her time in Ketterdam. The reasons Inej was so dangerous were cruel and unfair and nothing anyone deserved. Using the skills Ketterdam and the dregs gave her for good though? It was beautifully ironic.

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Kara said before she could stop herself, and that seemed to revitalize the slaver who had stolen her sword. He had spent the last few moments staring at Inej disbelievingly. As the slaver captain looked over at the two of them, Kara picked up her gun, took off the safety and fired a shot. The slaver slumped down to the ground, and Kara looked back to Inej and the captain. He looked afraid now, no more threats. Inej’s dagger was leaving beads of blood at his throat.

“I can give you money, or a share in profits, or the ship, or – ” Kara didn’t know why he was trying. Everybody knew you didn’t bargain with death. Inej drew the knife across his throat and he dropped back onto the desk, lifeless. She turned to Kara then, a subtle sort of smile on her face, wordlessly offering a hand. Kara looked at it resentfully for a moment, but then she sheathed her guns and took it.

“We won?” Kara asked, as she bent to pick up her sword from the dead man. It was only then that she had noticed it was remarkably quieter outside than it had been a few minutes before.

“Of course,” Inej said, pushing through the door and onto the main deck. Some part of Kara still expected bullets flying and men bleeding out and the ship a wreck. But it was never like that. The former prisoners were being carefully led across to Inej’s own ship by the rest of their crew and any remaining slavers were held a gun point. Some were even jumping ship. The Captain of the Wraith didn’t lose, the rumour carried across the sea, Kara had heard it long before she’d joined the crew. Now, two months after she had, it still amazed her. The good guys don’t always have to loose, it was a nice sentiment and a better reality.

“I suppose I should thank you,” Kara muttered, as she and Inej ventured towards Specht. He was leading the last of the slavers prisoners to the Wraith, and seemingly waiting for Inej to return.

“For saving your life?” Inej raised a brow as she glanced back at her, “I suppose you should.”

“Yeah well, thank you. I had it under control though, I would have been fine.”

“Hmm,” Inej shrugged, and before Kara could protest she was speaking to Specht. Kara didn’t make much of a conscious effort to listen, they were likely only discussing where they would dock to return the freed prisoners to wherever they came from. Kara figured she’d find out soon enough. By the look of it there were only five or six, but she wasn’t surprised. They hadn’t targeted the ship because of who they thought it was carrying. It was part of a larger game, a rich merchant turned slaver who ran a whole business of the illegal trade. He’d taken issue with Inej coming after his ships, sent some after her in return. Once they’d sunk those ships, Inej had decided to take out one of his most prized. The one they were on now. Kara would have pegged it for revenge, had she not known Inej better. It was practical, proof nothing was safe. Hunting slavers wasn’t just about playing the hero.

“Oh, and there’s a letter for you,” Specht’s words finally caught Kara’s attention, and she turned to Inej. Sure enough, he had handed her a rolled scroll of paper, tied with black string. A black crow was emblazoned on the side of the paper. The dregs, it had to be. Specht bore there tattoo, a crow and a cup, on his arm. Inej tended not to speak of her time in the dregs, or her time in Ketterdam at all. Kara couldn’t blame her. She knew a thing or two about troubled pasts, the parts of them she would rather not remember. Inej only ever spoke about the friends that she’d had there, and as far as Kara knew, none of them were still there. Besides, who was desperate enough to send letters to the middle of the ocean?

“Why would they send it to me here?” Inej voiced Kara’s thoughts aloud, and specht just shrugged.

“Some little messenger on a rowboat was sent, wouldn’t let go of the letter til it’d been put in my hand or yours,” He explained as the three of them reached the cabin of Inej’s door.

“Hell of a journey for a letter,” Kara remarked, raising an eyebrow at the scroll. Inej sighed and pocketed it, frowning a little at Kara. Kara couldn’t help but think sometimes the Captain looked at her like she was a mystery to be solved. One piece of the puzzle Inej couldn’t quite place. Inej wouldn’t have liked that, she hated a mystery she couldn’t solve.

“Thank you Specht,” She nodded in his direction, and leant back on the wooden double doors leading to her cabin. It was much nicer than the other, now dead, captains cabin, in Kara’s opinion anyway. The main body had several shelves filled with papers and books and various ornaments, a large desk and two chairs, and an inviting patterned rug. Through a door on the left hand side was a little room where Inej slept. There was something comforting about the cabin to Kara, even if it wasn’t her own. There was something comforting about the whole ship. The Wraith felt more her home than anywhere else ever had. She wondered slowly away from Inej and Spetch, leaving them to sort out whatever they were sorting out. Inej would hardly begrudge her for leaving.

Kara cast a glance to the ship across from them, Valeria and Lia were pulling away the ramp that connected the two boats. It left the remaining slavers alone at sea. An undue mercy, perhaps some would survive. It was more than they deserved, yet less than a different person might have given. She had wanted to ask Inej about the letter. She knew it was probably none of her business, but the thought kept nagging at her mind. If it’s important I’ll find out soon enough. If someone from the dregs was back and asking for anything at all it meant nothing but bad news.

Despite having never set foot in Ketterdam before, Kara had heard of the dregs. Her uncle on her mothers side had been swept up into Ketterdam’s world of gangs and Kara had grown up hearing how terrible they were. Her mother had taught her how terrible a lot of things were – if she could Kara now she’d be mortified. The weapons she carried, the company she kept, the things she’d done. At least I’m not a soldier anymore, She thought, you would have hated that the most. It was laughable to her that her kind, pacifist parents had managed to raise someone like her. You do terrible things to survive, and sometimes the terrible things become part of who you are. That was the story of everyone on this ship.

“Are you gonna help? Or are you just gonna stare at the ocean all day like you’ve never seen it before?” She heard Valeria call from behind her. The other girl was a year younger than Kara, only eighteen, and had almost been killed in the Ravkan civil war. Technically she was a deserter, but none of them saw leaving the service of a country like Ravka a dishonourable thing. Kara understood better than any of them.

“I’m coming!” Kara shouted back, realising that she hadn’t notice the boat start to move. Perhaps she had just become so accustomed to the sea it wasn’t the kind of thing she noticed anymore. But more likely thoughts of her mother had left her mind in another place entirely. Thinking of her family wasn’t exactly her favourite pastime, memories are painful when you know you can’t make anymore like them. She followed Valeria along the ships deck, pushing all thoughts of the letters and the dregs and her family to the back of her mind. Later, she decided, she would ask Inej later. Curiosity always did get the better of her in the end.


	2. chapter two: Inej's PoV

Inej hadn’t been a spy in two years. She no longer worked for Kaz Brekker. It was no longer her job to gather information on anyone who may be a threat, or not even that. Just anyone and everyone she could. It didn’t mean that she had stopped. You could never be too cautious, Ketterdam had taught her that well. She knew everything about her crew, or at least all the important things. She had picked them all up somewhere along the way. It was easier to trust the people who volunteered to be there for more than just pay. They were family now. It was something she might have had with the dregs had she stayed. But she hadn’t. She’d turned her sights on the seas and left Ketterdam behind. Left the dregs. Left Kaz. The worst part was she didn’t even regret it. 

This ship was more a home to her than Ketterdam could ever dream of being. Even then there were still pieces of Ketterdam everywhere. She still had her knives from her days with the dregs, still recited their names. All around her cabin there were echoes of her past, and present. Letters she and Jesper had exchanged, a pen Nina had leant her that she’d never given back, The Wraith had been gifted to her by Kaz. It didn’t change that it was her past. She had her crew now, she’d struggled to trust them at first, finding out everything she could almost out of paranoia. They raise you cold and cautious in the barrel. 

But Inej had not been raised in the barrel, merely forced to stay there due to circumstances beyond her control. Everyone on this ship had done things they regretted to survive. They deserved second chances. Inej had come to trust them all, more than she’d ever trusted anyone in Ketterdam. There were very few of them she didn’t know most things about however, unlike in the barrel. It had been her job to collect secrets, but everyone had so many. Here people told their own stories happily. Some of the newer ones kept their secrets. Then there was always Kara. Inej had found her stowed away on a pirate ship trying to kill its captain. She never explained why, Inej never asked her too. She knew Kara had no family living, or at least none she wanted to go back to. She was shu, but had been raised in Ravka. She’d been a thief before she came to Inej, for a short time at least. There were scattered stories of her childhood she told, or her year in the first army. But there were gaps all over the places. Kara kept her secrets, and Inej felt uneasy.

Not because of Kara mind you. She was interested, she couldn’t help it. But Kara was her friend. . Kaz was who plagued her thoughts, Kaz and his saintsforsaken letter. She hadn’t spoke with him in over a year. Things were very different now than they had been when he’d sent her off with a ship and brought her parents back to him. She was grateful for it, she always would be. Gratefulness was not enough to make a relationship last though. Whatever she had felt for Kaz – felt still – it was something she had learnt to fight and not without good reason. So why did it only take a letter begging her help to send her spiriting back across the seas? She had hoped the stars would provide her answers, but they offered her nothing of the sort.

The gentle lapping of the waves against her ship had been a comfort to Inej many nights before this one. The glow of the stars illuminated the deck as she lent out on the railing. Two years this had been her home, in two years she had built so much. She smiled, a sadness in her gaze. Ketterdam had only ever supposed to be a stop on her journey, but friends aren’t left behind so easily. The sea was her true calling. Her life wasn’t perfect. Nothing ever was. But nothing had ever felt so right. This was where she was meant to be. Staring into the stars on a ship she could call her own. Floating over seas where the some whispered her name and shouted it. Fear and respect ran hand in hand. Maybe you’re not all the different from Kaz after all. 

Regardless of who she and Kaz had become, she was still running back to him at a moments notice. She hated herself for it, but after everything he had done for her she had to at least hear him out. She wasn’t easy to contact at sea, hundreds of miles of the raging ocean lay between her and any form of messengers or reliable postal service. If you really needed to correspond you used birds. But of course Kaz didn’t trust that. Overcautious as ever. Just as cautious as I need to be Inej. She could almost hear him reply. He’d had to send someone to place it into her hand. 

The night sky was so clear, giving the illusion along with the silent sea that all was at peace here. Maybe for a short moment, it was. Maybe it was why Inej felt so much comfort leaning against these rails. She’d spent to so many hours staring at the sky and thinking. The time may have been stolen, but it belonged to her. Ketterdam had changed her so much, but this had changed her more. Captain of her own ship. Not second to anyone. She wasn’t The Wraith anymore, no matter what her beloved ship may be called. She was Captain Ghafa, and a new person entirely. Doubtless Kaz would have changed too. Leadership did that to a person, as Inej had found out. It wasn’t so easy to make the hard choices.  
Inej wasn’t sure how her crew would take this. They stopped of a ports all the time, and Ketterdam often enough. They’d drop the those they’d freed off first of course. But this was a radical change in course and entirely unprompted. Saying I got a letter didn’t always cut it. Her crew were here for a reason, and it wasn’t to indulge Kaz Brekker’s every whim. Saints, what would she say. I got a letter from a boy I used to know, he’s a barrel boss now, and he’s asked for help on a job. I can’t say no because – well I owe him so much. And I miss him, saints I miss him. he’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, but he saved me. One of the cruelest men I know, but the best friend I ever had. Perhaps not.  
She sighed. Inej might be one of the only people left able to say no to Kaz Brekker, but it didn’t mean she would. 

“Captain?” An enquiring voice called from behind her. She’d heard the footsteps long before the voice, there were few who could sneak up on her. Inej had expected perhaps Bryn or Specht coming to tell her of some complication with the ship or to get her approval for something. She had not expected Kara. Inej turned and saw her golden eyes surveying her somewhat skeptically. “Are you alright?”

It was a strange time to choose to speak to her, Inej had to admit. The middle of the night when most were sleeping wasn’t usually when you made polite conversation. Kara did a lot with Inej, Specht joked she was like a second first mate, but when Inej had never mentioned that she came out here at night. Inej gave a short nod, not quite smiling.

“I doubt it,” Kara cocked her head to the side, “You’ve been acting weird ever since you got that letter.”

Inej’s first thought was nice of you to notice, but it quickly progressed into of course this is only about the letter. Some strange part of her had wanted Kara to be solely concerned about her. 

“It’s from someone I haven’t seen in a long time,” Inej admitted, perhaps if she could convince Kara turning back for Kaz wasn’t folly she might even convince herself. What kind of fool would rope themselves back into deadly web of the barrel’s gangs when they’d already got out?

“I take it we’re all going to be seeing them soon?” Kara sounded far too confident in her assumptions for Inej’s liking. It didn’t mean she wasn’t wrong. 

“He’s asked me to come back to Ketterdam,” She said eventually with a sigh. Back to the world she’d left behind for good.

“Permenantly?” Kara asked, almost sounding concerned. Not concern for me, Inej reminded herself, She doesn’t know anything about what Ketterdam is to me. None of them do, I made sure of it. If she returned to Kaz’s employ Kara would be out of a job and missing her friends, it was as simple as that. 

“No, the sea is my home now. Kaz knows that,” She hadn’t meant to say his name, but she supposed it had to come out eventually. 

“Kaz Brekker?” the concern on Kara’s face had washed away, replaced by intrigue and a smile.

Inej almost smiled too. “You’ve heard of him?”

“Every criminal who’s ever been to Ketterdam has heard of him. You know him?” Inej was fairly certain Kara had not been to Ketterdam, but she didn’t say anything.

“I used to,” Inej didn’t know if you could say that you knew a person when you hadn’t properly seen them for so long. Would she really know him anymore? Would he know her? He’d met Inej when she was just a frightened little girl and left her when she was the wraith. Now she was a sailor, a pirate in truth. Perhaps now she was more akin to what Kaz wanted her to be. More ruthless. Still a killer in the end. That was what the world had made her, she’d chosen to use it in the best way she could. Kaz had not. That made all the difference.

“Why are you going back?” Because I owe him everything, I owe him my life a hundred times over, I owe him this ship and this crew and everything I became. Because he was my friend once, because I loved him once, because maybe I still do. Inej knew that wasn’t what Kara meant, but they were the thoughts that filled her mind all the same.

“Because he says he has a job, and running this ship isn’t cheap,” She said instead with a shrug, her eyes drifting back up to the stars. What ever Kaz had to offer it would no doubt be worth it. Her crew hunted slavers, and she believed they were all good people. But they were pirates at heart, perhaps she was too. Kaz offered gold and gold was a welcome site. She hoped it would be enough enticement for them to forget all their plans and run off south. Pretending to do something for gold when really she was doing it because she cared about someone? Saints, she was as bad as Kaz.

“Are we thieves now?” Kara said with a laugh, Inej looked back at her. 

“Weren’t you once a thief anyway?”

“After a fashion,” Kara shrugged, still wearing that light smile.

“We’re probably just the transport,” It made sense to Inej that Kaz might want her for a job. She wasn’t the wraith anymore, but she was just as good at all the things she done as when she’d done them for kaz. Her crew, on the other hand, weren’t people Kaz knew anything about. Maybe he just missed me, a voice in the back of her head said, and she almost laughed. Kaz Brekker didn’t miss people. If he had missed her, he’d had ample time to try and reach out before. If he had missed her he should have said come to Ketterdam for a visit, not come to Ketterdam for a job. 

“I would have thought a barrel boss like Kaz Brekker could hire his own ship,” Kara questioned, almost knowingly. Inej knew that, of course. She remembered the trip to the ice court on the ferloid, jurda parem and Kuwei Yul-Bo and Jan Van Eck. She remembered Kaz doing the impossible time and time again. The job had made them who they were today. Maybe Kaz could hire his own ship, but there must be something more to it. Some reason why he needed her.  
“We’ll find out, in Ketterdam.”

Kara pushed off the railing, resting on hand in the pocket of her trousers. “They’d follow you anywhere, you know.”

“You think?” Inej said softly. She knew Kara would follow her anywhere. Specht too. Perhaps Bryn and Valeria and Lia. But the rest were here for a reason. If Inej decided to march into hell for a pot of gold, she doubted they would want to come too.

“I would, you know I would. You’re honourable, Inej. There aren’t enough honourable people left,” Inej thought she glimpsed Kara’s easy smile turn sad. Just for a moment. So fast she could have imagined it. 

“An honourable pirate,” Inej said with a laugh.

“You’re a walking contraction.”

“I was an honourable spy once, I think,” Inej said, she wasn’t sure why she did.

“I wasn’t an honourable thief,” Kara laughed. “But I’m sure you were.”

“I don’t know… the barrel changes people.”

“The world changes people. Wherever you go things happen and you change. You’re still you at heart,” Kara shrugged, and Inej wondered if that’s what she sounded like when she spouted suli proverbs. A little pretentious perhaps, but wise. She liked to think so. 

“I should go back,” Inej said, again she wasn’t sure why. Perhaps if she spoke it aloud she could convince herself. 

“You don’t have to, but I’d at least want to know the real reason why,” Curiosity was a flaw they shared. 

“Saints, what do I tell everyone?”

“That we need the money. It’s not a lie, this ship needs a hell of a lot of repairs. They’re pirates, Inej. Just say money.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ahhhh okay look at that i posted again after a day.... i wrote the first chapter about three weeks before the rest of the chapters which i wrote all of in about a week, so hopefully that explains any inconsistencies.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Kaz’s PoV

The slat was different these days. The loud and bustling people had become nothing more than background noise to Kaz. He was less busy now, and their business irked him. He was less wrapped up in the dreams he had once had too, the dreams of building up the gang that would one day be his. Now it was his, he had built an empire and still he wasn’t satisfied. What was so terribly wrong with him to make that the case? Perhaps that was why he had decided to do this job. He doubted he would get any money from it, but it wasn’t money he was looking for. In reality he was hoping it would bring him something he was missing. A foolish child’s prayer, he knew, yet he prayed anyway. Inej would have laughed, or perhaps made some comment about him needing the gods after all. Men mock the gods until they need them Kaz. But he didn’t know what Inej would do anymore. He didn’t know her anymore.

He longed for some kind of freedom. Some taste of the life he had in the days of the ice court job. It was another foolish thing, what kind of idiot wished to go back to when he was younger and suffering? He supposed nothing had changed in that regard, he was just now older and suffering. Revenge was supposed to bring him peace, building the dregs was supposed to bring him peace. Nothing did. He needed freedom, or at least he thought he did. Hoped, perhaps. He would not become another Per Haskell, sitting in his office, counting his coin, and forgetting what it even felt like to be on a job. 

Kaz stood, sending a glare at the paperwork that seemed to be glaring back at him. It bored him in a way it never had before. He had always been pragmatic, reliable, proactive. He had never seen the point in procrastinating and complaining. The solution was to drink an ungodly amount of coffee and get the job done. Now he kept finding himself pushing excuses to the forefront of his mind. I’ll do it later, later, later. The worst part was, he could. People pestered him, he found problems wherever he walked, scouted for opportunities, but there was always time somehow. Running something like this wasn’t easy, but it was easier than it should have been. I’ve been stuck in this fucking city too long, he thought, running a frustrated hand through his hair. 

He reached for his cane, leaning against the desk beside him, crows head staring menacingly towards the window. He needed to sleep, he knew. Sleep too seemed elusive these days, perhaps that was another contributing factor to all this time he had on his hands. Hundreds of hours passing, and nothing seems to happen. He intended to go for a walk, that was the kind of thing that was less dangerous and more dangerous at the same time now he was a barrel boss. But when he caught sight of the window sill where Inej had once sat so often feeding the crows, he stopped still. It was stupid. He didn’t know why he did it. He would see Inej soon anyway. Maybe. He had no way of telling if she would just ignore his letter and keep sailing away. He would deserve it.

“You’re getting careless,” A quiet voice said from behind him, and Kaz had never turned around so fast. His first thought was someone was there to kill him, which was always his first thought these days. Then the familiarity of the voice set in. Inej.

“Maybe you’re just getting better,” Kaz quipped in reply, trying to ignore the way his heart rate had decidedly sped up since her arrival. 

Inej gave a light smile. She was perched on the window sill where she had once sat so regularly. This room had once been Kaz’s office. A whole floor to himself, he’d revelled it then. It was better than most other could hope for, even if it was just an old attic room up far too many flights of stairs. Now he had a better office and a better room in a better building, but the slat was like an old friend. There was something bitter sweet about returning to the room and working up there, and so he did it often. He and Inej had spent so many hours in here. Kaz had watched her feed the crows. They’d theorised about the death of the Zemeni ambassador. They’d been friends, of a sort. Kaz wasn’t sure what they were now. Something long lost.

Inej jumped down, in through the open window and leant against the wall opposite him. She looked older now. The first time Kaz had seen her – well she’d been a child. She was a child, and the world was nothing but cruel to children. She had been a child already been forced to grow up. The menagerie, the dregs, her ship, her new life. The world had handed her nothing, but horrors and she had made something beautiful of it. She wore a purple jacket and had a brown pirates hat in one hand. From her belt hung multiple daggers, which Kaz knew very well were for more than just show, and he had no doubt she had more on her person. Saints Inej, I’ve missed you. But the words would not leave his lips.   
“Are you going to tell me why I’m here then Kaz?” Inej said, not unkindly, but Kaz still couldn’t help feel stung, So practical, already getting down to business. Almost like himself. 

“I need your help,” He replied honestly. Well, sort of honestly. Need was a strong word. Kaz didn’t need anymore money. He didn’t need to go on this job. But saints knew he wanted to get out of this city. To see Inej again. He’d imagined a hundred times what he’d say to her when he saw her again. I’m sorry, I’ve missed you, I love you. Instead he was talking about heists. It was pathetic, the way he lost himself around her. Perhaps it was better for them to stay apart after all.   
“Would you care to elaborate, or are you just going to stare at me all day?” Inej sounded a touch impatient. That was new.

If Kaz had been a kinder person, he might have apologised. “I know cash isn’t always your thing, but if I can pull this off we’ll be swimming in it.”

“I’ve heard that before Kaz. You said we would be kings and queens,” She answered, although she didn’t sound dismissive, and she hadn’t rebuked him regarding offering money as incentive. That at least was a positive sign. Kaz knew exactly what she was talking about, the memory was shiny and clear in his mind. The day he told her about the ice court job had been when everything had started to change. 

“I was right,” Kaz said quietly. More quietly than was characteristic. He mentally cursed, he was beginning to tire of this effect Inej was having on him. I never used to be like this, he thought angrily. How many hours had he spent with Inej? Enough to know he was the same man who’s name was whispered with fear in the streets when he was with her. Not some over excitable school boy letting himself get lost in a dream. 

“Oh, that you were. Tell me, how does it feel to be King of the barrel?” Inej asked, her smile faded.  
“I don’t know Inej, how does it feel to be Queen of the seas?” When he’d said they would be kings and queen’s, a part of him had always hoped it would be together. He hoped she would not pick up on his deflection. He had no intention to be psychoanalysed or to talk about his dissatisfaction with his current life.   
“A fair part better than being Queen of thieves, I’d imagine,” she twirled her long braid in her hand, he could see her dark eyes glinting in little candle light the room offered them.   
“Of course, I forgot about the moral high ground acquired when one becomes a pirate,” Kaz said scathingly before he could stop himself, and instantly regretted it as Inej’s eyes flashed. With hurt or anger, he could not say.

“I hunt slavers, Kaz. All the terrible men in this world. Stealing is a biproduct, not the aim,” He heard the unsaid words. Men like you. That’s what he was now, one of the terrible men who sat at the top of the world and counted their coin while others suffered. Kaz couldn’t find it in himself to care. He had become a monster a long time passed. Inej knew that, she knew exactly what Kaz had built here. Perhaps he had lines he wouldn’t cross, but he was a barrel boss all the same. Why did it matter what Inej thought of his morality anyway? Good men never got anywhere in this world, they all died first.

“I hear you’ve burnt empires to the ground,” He answered, pushing the thoughts from his mind. 

“I hear you have too,” She didn’t deny it, instead she walked closer and leant against the wall besides his desk, barely a few feet away. 

“It’s incredible the things money can achieve. What would you say to more?” Inej frowned, seemingly irked at having her achievements attributed to money. 

“Go on,” She said anyway, and Kaz almost smiled. Maybe she really had changed. 

“I heard a rumour a while back, about an artifact worth more gold than exists in the world. It’s a pirates tale, you might have heard it,” He began, and recognition flashed on Inej’s face. 

“It’s said it’s a shell made of pure gold, stolen to the depths of the oceans by sirens. Or that it’s just a piece of coral, but once you possess it you can make men loose their minds or follow you to the end of the earth. The artifact is long lost, if it ever existed to begin with,” Kaz had heard all the same tales. He wasn’t one to chase after fairy tales, but he’d come to believe there might be some truth to it when a man came into the crow club repeating the tale over and over again. Kaz thought it was an elaborate con of some kind, until some people got pissed enough to fight him on it and the man hadn’t so much as raised a hand to defend himself. He told the story of the Artifact to the moment of his death. 

So, Kaz had looked into it. After hours upon hours of pain staking research he had traced the tale back to a map, through several credible sources. The map had been at a Ravkan auction, then in the hands of a wealthy Ravkan Duke. Then in the hands of a thief by the name of Kara. A thief who had taken a job on the ship of the pirate captain Inej Ghafa. Until that point the shell or coral or artifact, as it seemed to be popularly known among sailors, had been nothing beyond a fantasy. A way to pass the time, perhaps a job if Kaz could separate the myth from truth well enough. Something had changed in his mind as soon as he realised Inej’s involvement, and so his research accelerated. Within weeks not only was he confident in the artifacts existence, but he believed in was somewhere on Kerch. All he needed was a map, and perhaps a ship to get him there. 

“It’s real, the artifact is real. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I’ve seen things. Impossible things. We both saw jurda parem at work, there are more phenomena in the world than that. Maybe the myth is just well disguised science,” He said imploringly. He wasn’t sure how to get her to believe him. He couldn’t show her the man who’d died talking of the tower it was hidden in, the woman he had visited who’s son had spent his whole life tracking it down to vanish off the face of the earth once it was found. 

“It’s true word of the artifact is increasing,” Inej conceded, and Kaz realised how true her words were. The more he had looked into it, the more people seemed to talk about it. At first he had put it down to the typical pattern that occurs when you first hear of a thing and then begin to hear of it everywhere. But soon he realised encounters with it seemed to have increased. Like it had been lost a thousand years only to be finally brought to light in the last few months.

“More and more encounters. More and more tales. It’s a possibility that it’s been discovered by someone else and brought to shore and hidden. Many of the tales spoke of it being below the sea once, there has to be truth to some of them,” Kaz had become more invested in his research than he cared to admit, and struggled to keep an edge of excitement out of his tone. 

“There is a little truth in everything,” Inej agreed diplomatically, “How on earth would you suggest we find it?” We. There it was. A subtle agreement. Inej said little and when she spoke her words were rarely accidental. Kaz expected to feel excitement at that too, but instead his heart rate seemed to settle. He had spent so much time on edge he scarcely knew how to recognise relief. 

“There’s a map, drawn after the increase in sightings that I happen to know exactly where to find,” Inej gave a little nod to indicate for him to continue, “It was stolen from a Ravkan duke about a year ago, I haven’t been able to tell where it is, but I know how to find the thief who stole it. Once we get it from her, all we need is a ship and it’s all ours for the taking,” Kaz knew it wasn’t that simple, but saying it like it was felt good. 

“Impressive,” Inej mused quietly. Kaz supposed he must have done something right, although he wasn’t sure how thrilled she would be to discover one of her crew members was the thief. “I still don’t understand why you need me. You could have found yourself a ship anywhere, you did well enough for the ice court job, and I expect you’ve twice the resources these days.”

“That’s true,” Kaz admitted, somewhat reluctantly. “The truth is – I was able to trace the thief back to your ship. I believe she goes by the name Kara these days?” He didn’t meet Inej’s eyes as he said it, but he watched them narrow. 

“I’m here because you need Kara’s help?” She said shortly, and Kaz couldn’t tell if she was angry or not. 

No, you’re here because I missed you and I asked and for some reason you listened. “Yes.”

Inej cocked her head to one side, and shrugged. Kaz took it to mean she accepted it. 

“I wouldn’t place any bets on Kara wanting to help you,” Inej said pointedly. Kaz had of course considered that. 

“I’ll make it worth her while. Yours too, if you’ll come?” He had not meant for it to come out like a question, but it had all the same. 

“Impossible odds?” Inej asked, a ghost of a smile on her face. 

“Of course.”

“Dangerous?”

“Endlessly so.”

“I wouldn’t expect anything else.”

For a moment, it was like they were seventeen again.

Then Inej turned to go, scarcely making a sound as she moved towards the window. Kaz couldn’t help but admire the way she did it, even if he had seen it a hundred times before. 

“I’ll be back with Kara tomorrow evening,” He thought she was gone once she said it, and allowed himself to slump back down at his desk, taking a forlorn glance at his coffee that was now growing cold. Inej was here, and everything was supposed to be better again. He was not supposed to yearn for the times of the past, for the times when everything was harder and everything was a fight to survive, yet a part of him did. He longed for the days he and Inej had something more than bittersweet memories and when their moral disagreements turned into squabbles and not decisions leading to oceans separating them.

He was supposed to build something where he didn’t have to fight tooth and claw just to survive anymore. The truth was, despite the money and reputation and the protection everything he had built offered him, he was fighting to survive just as much as he once had. Just in a different way, for different reasons. 

“This job won’t bring you happiness Kaz, it doesn’t work that way,” Her voice startled him, and he almost knocked over his coffee. He truly was getting rusty, it seemed. 

He didn’t answer. He had given up looking for happiness the day Kaz Rietveld had died.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update every two days they said.... well, i lied, i'm sorry, i have no time management skills and it shows. the next update will be at some point soon, i promise. also excuse the mild pretentiousness in this fic, it was mostly written while i was very tired.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter four: Kara**

Ketterdam was surprisingly alike to all the other Kerch cities Kara had visited, and she had to admit she was a little disappointed. It had some beautiful buildings, some less beautiful ones, and all the people were tourists or criminals (criminals, businessmen, Kara didn’t see the difference). Sometimes both. Or students. Kara had wanted to study in Kerch once. Get a scholarship, start a new life. That was an impossible dream. Instead she had been shipped off to fight an unwinnable war. If only there had never been a war. Her family would never have died. She might have never come here.

Here, exactly, being ordering a second plate of waffles at a particularly good waffle place Inej had taken her too before they met Kaz. Kara was enjoying herself and had almost wiped all thoughts of the upcoming job from her mind. Inej had told the crew they were headed to Ketterdam a week after she had received the letter, right after they had dropped off the freed prisoners in Ravka and ensured their safety. Kara had been right, she often was about these sort of things. Inej’s crew were pirates at heart, and the draw of money is one of the best in this world. Besides, Kara had no doubt they would follow Inej anywhere. She inspired loyalty that way, it was a gift few had.

Kara had almost been looking forward to the job before last night. She had been a thief in another life time, stealing things was one thing she was good at. Most of the time at least. Inej had snuck out to see Kaz early, because of course she had. Kara knew Kaz Brekker meant something to her, simply for the way she’d looked at a scrappy piece of paper she had sent to him. Kara had no idea of the ins and outs of their relationship, Ketterdam was a subject everyone knew not to broach with Inej, but she knew that she cared for him even after all these years. Maybe he cared for her too, who was to say? The thought made Kara uneasy somehow, though she couldn’t understand why.

She told herself that it was because of who Kaz Brekker was. She told herself it so many times she began to believe it. A killer, a thief, a man without remorse. Some would say that of Inej too. Some would say that of her. But Kaz was _dangerous_ , maybe not to Inej himself, but to the rest of them. By no means did his personal feelings for Inej mean she couldn’t be killed or hurt because of something he brought down on them. Inej and Kara gambled with death everyday out on the seas. One moment a storm could take their ship and they’d drown lonely in the depths, another they could finally lose a battle and the wraith could go down. Inej Ghafa didn’t lose. That was true of everyone right up until the moment they did.

Then came the real reason for Kara’s unease, continually bubbling to the forefront of her mind. Kaz had asked for her. She didn’t know the man well enough to say if it was just because of Kara’s knowledge they were here, or if he had ulterior motives for wanting to see Inej, but either way he expected something of her. Kara didn’t like people to have expectations of her, because she had never been particularly good at meeting them. This wasn’t the same as standing someone up for a date inadvertently because she’d gotten distracted, lost track of time and almost burnt down a building in a makeshift experiment gone awry. She had no desire what so ever to tell Kaz Brekker the location of The Artifact.

“Kara? You okay?” Inej was nudging her arm lightly, and Kara realised she had been completely zoned out. _You can think about this later,_ she scolded herself, half annoyed, and looked back to her friend.

“Fine,” She muttered, picking up her waffle and taking a huge bite.

“You looked like you were about to fall asleep in your waffles,” Inej said pointedly, and Kara had to resist bursting out laughing.

“Waffles are too nice for that,” She replied, although it wasn’t particularly comprehensible. Inej then did burst out laughing.

“You sound like my friend Nina,” Kara had heard Inej mention Nina before. A Grisha who had once been her friend, in another life time. Kara smiled.

“Evidently she had great taste.”

“I want to show you something, when we’re done,” Inej said, taking a little bite of her own waffle.

“It’s nearly eight o’clock, don’t we need to meet Kaz soon?” Kara frowned, trying to not think about the implications of actually meeting Kaz Brekker and what she was going to do about the Artifact problem.

“I told him we would meet him in the evening yes,” Inej agreed, nodding, “But I never said when.”

“Only you would have the nerve to keep the king of the barrel waiting,” Kara laughed, not particularly concerned. You don’t send letters to the middle of the oceans for people you’d kill if they were late to a meeting.

“Oh, I can think of a few people,” Inej returned her smile, and Kara couldn’t help but wonder who. The rest of the crew had dispersed to spend the day in Ketterdam and go their own ways, as they often did when they docked, but Inej had stayed with Kara. Logically, she knew it was because Inej needed Kara to speak with Kaz and because Inej was her best friend. But she couldn’t help but hope there was a little more to it than that.

“So where are we going then?” Kara asked, curious, having swallowed her waffle.

“Just somewhere I used to go, back when I still lived here. You’ll like it, I promise,” Inej answered, Kara didn’t doubt it. It didn’t take them long after that too finish off their food, the waffle place was closing in about ten minutes anyway. Something about this day of the week.

The sun was beginning to set when they left, Kara could see the rays reflected in the gently rocking water down the street. They were on the edge of west stave, not too far from fifth harbour (where the Wraith was docked), and not too far from the barrel either. Inej shook her head, indicating for Kara to follow her. They headed up the street, full of various stores all catering to tourists. If Inej was to be taken at her word, some of the best food places in Ketterdam were along the street. Certainly better than some of the places she’d been in Ravka.

“Oh are you really not going to tell me where we’re going?” Kara asked as they had turned another corner, heading a street closer to the barrel. “This is safe right?”

“Because fighting slavers is usually risk free?” Inej stopped walking and turned to her, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh shut up, you know what I mean,” Kara muttered in reply, but took the point. “This whole city feels unsafe.”

“This whole city is unsafe,” Inej shrugged, and grabbed hold of Kara’s hand. Kara couldn’t help but smile.

“Lead the way,” And she did. They headed down the next street, then down an alleyway between streets Kara was certain they were going to get robbed in. Then Inej stopped, and indicated to a sort of framework attracted to the building beside them. It dawned on Kara that she intended for them to climb. This was far from an impossibility, Kara lived on a ship for saints sake, but she knew she’d struggle to keep up with Inej. The other girl seemed to read her mind.

“I won’t run off,” She laughed, leaning casually against the wall. Her dark eyes were glinting in the little faded sunlight that had made its way into the alleyway, and Kara couldn’t help but think about how beautiful she looked. For a moment she forgot to say anything at all. A little voice in the back of her head whispered _best friend_ and the thought was pushed from her mind.

“Alright then,” Kara settled a hand on the rickety wood and began to climb. The rooftop wasn’t too far away, and the drop was far from lethal. It reminded Kara of climbing on the ship, a habit she’d slipped into as a comfort. As a child she’d always been restless, wanting to run around outside, climbing all the trees. One memorable occasion she had climbed onto the roof of their house and given her mother a heart attack. She had only been ten, and just wanted to see the stars better. They were the other part of her childhood she remembered so vividly, her father had loved the stars. All the constellations and their names were etched into her brain, she never wanted to forget the hours she’d spent watching them with him. Perhaps you went back to the stars when you died. _Our end and our beginning._ Her father would have liked that.

Her parents hadn’t followed any religion, and so Kara didn’t either, but they had worshipped the sky in a sense. Both of them had been Grisha who’d had to flee their country at a young age, many ways of their own culture lost on them. Kara always thought it was cruel, that her whole family had been robbed of their history just because their own people couldn’t accept Grisha, and time had taught her she was right. It was cruel. It was cruel that the only country they could live in without fear of enslavement or persecution was a country that demanded they go and fight its wars. Why did they owe anything to Ravka? Did it’s monarchy truly believe it was owed Grisha’s lives just because it deigned not to kill them?

As Kara reached the top of the building, she looked up to the sky. It was a myriad of colours all overlapping, the setting sun obscured by a building ahead of her. Directly up the stars were peering out, the odd fighting its way through the hazy not quite dark sky, dotted among the smoky clouds.

“beautiful, isn’t it?” Kara instantly looked down. She didn’t know when Inej had got there, you rarely did with her, but she smiled anyway.

“Not as beautiful as you,” Kara answered with a wink. Saying things like that was typical for Kara, Inej was unlikely to read into it, or at least that was how she reasoned it. Then it occurred to her she had separated it in her mind from her usual mindless flirting, and suddenly felt guilty.

“Saints, you’re such a cliché,” Inej laughed, but Kara could have sworn she’d seen her blush in the dying light.

“Clichés must be good for something, else they’d never make it to being clichés,” Kara reasoned, shrugging, to which Inej just laughed again. “So is this it? Your great surprise? I admit the sky is pretty, but there’s a rather large amount of chatter from the restaurant below us that is somewhat disturbing the ambience. That’s not even to mention the taller building right ahead, completely blocking the view to the harbour.”

“Are you done?”

“Oh, nowhere near.”

“Has anyone ever told you that you can be a little upfront?”

“Not directly,” Kara laughed, although she had been told before. Numerous times by Inej. Saying whatever came to mind was not always the best way to say alive, Kara had discovered the hard way, but it seemed she wasn’t going to be stopping anytime soon.

“Remind me to never ask you if my hair looks alright,” Inej had said to her the first time she’d deduced Kara rarely lied, to which Kara had answered.

“Surely you’d rather know if your braid is falling out. Besides, your hair always looks perfect.”

She’d only spent three months aboard Inej’s ship, but the two of them had instantly bonded. There was some saying about friendships formed in trying times that probably would have applied, but Kara couldn’t remember it. From the moment she’d saved Kara from getting shot to pieces by that asshole who called himself a captain, Kara had respected her. The little resentment Kara’s stung pride forced her to carry faded soon after. If she was going to go after the artefact and get herself killed with anybody, she would have chosen Inej. Kara didn’t believe in fate, but she liked to think there was something right about her Inej finding each other. Perhaps souls did not have another they were meant to find, but it was nice to think that they can find another made the same way. Perhaps that was what love was.

“There’s better places on these rooftops to see, if you’re not opposed to climbing,” Inej invited, climbing to her feet effortlessly, not for a moment looking ill at ease on the tiles beneath their feet. She offered a hand, which Kara took gratefully, and the next moment they were both tiptoeing along the roof like thieves in the night. The first time the tiles stopped flowing and instead what was in front of Kara was nothing but thin air, she almost toppled down from the sheer shock of it. For all her love of climbing, she had never stolen over the rooftops of a city before. Inej caught her arm, and Kara managed to steady herself. Her heart was still leaping, however.

“Thanks,” Kara nodded appreciatively as Inej moved to jump.

“I’d never let you fall,” and then she was gone again. Kara’s heart refused to steady until she was back solidly on the roof top across from them, only hazily illuminated at this time of night. The noise of passers-by was quietening, Kara noticed after she’d been following Inej for a minute or so, they were headed towards the calmer end of the harbour.

Suddenly Inej stopped, and Kara just about managed to stop without skidding too. The roof top they were stood on was directly facing the harbour. It slanted downwards ahead of them, and Kara watched as Inej slid down the reddish tiles and into a small flat alcove at the end of the building. Wherever they were, the business was not one popular at this time of night, which Kara was thankful for. She could never decide if she wanted noise or silence, being at sea gave her a variety of both, but tonight things were supposed to quiet. Inej glanced over her shoulder, eyes softening as she beckoned Kara to follow her.

“So this is it huh?” Kara smiled as she skidded down the tiles much less gracefully than Inej. This was beautiful. The sun had met the sea ahead of them, the reflection completing the circle. Around it the sky was a thousand different colours, and the stars were blinking. The quiet was refreshing too, all they could hear was the distant chatter of the harbour and the cawing of seagulls.

Inej only nodded in response.

“Thanks, for bringing me.”

“I used to come here when I worked in the city, for the dregs,” Inej said softly, as if she was admitted some deadly sin. “The city is so full of people and secrets and chatter. It was a reprieve.”

“There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“It felt a little bit like it, at the time. It felt like there was something wrong with every step I took back then.”

“You still do it, you know. Look for a reprieve. Don’t think I haven’t noticed you ducking away each night to stand out on the deck alone,” Kara said, eyebrow raised. In truth she couldn’t blame Inej, she would have liked to do the same thing from time to time.

“It doesn’t feel wrong anymore,” Inej replied. “I thought it would bother me if people knew, but it doesn’t. In Ketterdam everything is a secret and every secret is a weapon to used against you.”

“So you preferred to take others than have yours taken away,” Kara said, thinking aloud.

“It sounds so terrible, when you say it like that,” Inej’s tone made it sound like she had thought of it as terrible long before Kara had spoken. Guilt for the things that occurred in Ketterdam radiated off Inej every time she spoke of her life there, it was impossible not to notice.

“We’re all done terrible things to survive,” Kara said, “You can’t spend your whole life regretting them.”

Inej laughed lightly. “When did you become so wise?”

“Oh I’m not wise, captain, I just have experience with these things,” Kara shrugged it off. Wisdom was never going to be her category, Inej and her Suli proverbs were quite enough for both of them.

“if you say so,” There was silence for a moment, then Inej met her eyes, frowning a little. “Do you ever feel like you’re living someone else’s life? Like you took a wrong turn somewhere and now you’re not who you were meant to be?”

_Oh, a thousand times over. The day the civil war broke out, the day my father was called away, the day he died, the day my mother died, the day I ran away on a boat to the middle of nowhere and nearly died myself. The day I stole that goddamn map._

“I don’t think we were supposed to become anything, I think we’re just unlucky. The world fucks you over wherever you go, in the end. There’s a war, or a coup, or a killer or a con. One day part of you dies, and the next day you wake up and keep going like it didn’t happen. It’s insane, this world, everything that happens in it, the way we survive things no one should survive. But we do, and I don’t think we can become anything we weren’t meant to be if we weren’t supposed to be anything at all,” Kara, it seemed, had lost her wisdom touch for the evening. It still felt like her words rung true, and Inej was hanging onto every last one, for some unsaintly reason.

“Do you practice these speeches in the mirror?” Inej replied jokingly.

“Religiously each night, any tips for improvement?”

“I mean, I think you could manage some better imagery than ‘the world fucks you over’, personally,” Inej commented, and Kara burst out laughing.

“Did the Captain Inej Ghafa just swear?” Kara managed behind her giggles.

“You’ve heard me swear before! Besides, I was only quoting you, so it doesn’t really count.”

“Whatever you say,” Kara stifled another laugh, grinning. “Really as a sailor you ought to swear.”

“Well I wouldn’t be a very good pirate if I didn’t rebel against the rules once in a while,” Inej pointed out.

“Everyone knows you only follow your own rules,” Most pirates did, Kara supposed as she said it, it was a rule of the trade in itself. Inej wasn’t like the rest of them however, chalking her down to a money hungry pirate felt wrong. She was so much more than that.

“I guess I am becoming like Kaz after all,” She laughed softly, but there was a bitter edge to it.

“You guys must have been close?” It wasn’t really a question.

“Very. I think I might have loved him once,” Inej shifted in her seat uncomfortably as she said it, adjusting the way her hands rested on the red tiles. Kara had barely processed it before she spoke again. “I don’t know why I said that. I’ve never told anyone that.”

“Not even him?” Kara said before she could stop and think of something more reassuring to say. Inej was her best friend, she liked to hope they trusted each other enough to say things like that.

“I suppose I did, in so many words,” Inej closed her eyes as she said it, as if remembering. “I don’t think I do anymore though. I didn’t realise it until I saw him again. No matter how many times I tell myself I don’t care about him when we’re apart, whenever I see him that fades in an instant and I know that I do. I do care, but I don’t love him. Not like that.” She paused, Kara didn’t know what to say. Inej spoke of things like this so rarely, it was like her past was a scar in her memory that had never healed right. Best left alone in case it splits. “Have you ever been in love?”

That was an easy answer. “Yes.”

“What was her name?”

“Natalia. It was while I was serving in the first army. She’s the only person I’ve ever met who knew me truly. For who I really was and didn’t care one way or the other,” Kara regretted saying that as soon as it came out. It opened up the temptation to ask, gave the idea she was hiding something. Inej wouldn’t care, Kara _knew_ Inej wouldn’t care. She thought she knew at least, but she couldn’t be completely sure, not until she said it. Once she said it, it would be too late if she was wrong. Maybe that was why she said what she did, to force Inej to ask, to force herself to tell. Stupid really.

Inej didn’t say anything at all for a moment, and Kara was becoming increasingly afraid she had said something disastrously wrong.

“What happened?” Inej said at last.

“She died. Lots of people died in that war,” _Not me though, I get to live on and see their faces in my dreams._

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Inej said, looking particularly sombre in a way Kara appreciated.

“Thank you. I am too,” Kara laughed humourlessly. “How likely is it this job ends with us failing miserably and ending up dead or in jail?”

Kara knew the answer, but she asked anyway.

“Quite high,” Inej admitted.

“Why are we doing it then?”

“Because – because I – I don’t know. You don’t have too, Kaz would understand if you turned away,” Inej stuttered, looking away from the setting sun and the collage of a skyline and straight into Kara’s eyes.

“No he wouldn’t.”

“No he wouldn’t,” Inej repeated dully, “I would though.”

“I know,” Kara answered, and she did. “I’m doing it anyway.”

The maps she possessed were dangerous beyond measure, if what they found got out into the world… it was jurda parem all over again. The way Inej had spoken about it made it sound like Kaz wasn’t easily giving this up. An idea was beginning to form in Kara’s head, and she supposed it would be quite difficult to pull off if she was hundreds of miles away on a boat.

“I know,” Inej answered, and Kara was sure that she did not know at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i do not wish to sound self absorbed but this is one of my favourite fic chapters i have ever written ... this scene has been living rent free inside my head since goddamn march and rereading it just now to publish it.... i am very happy with it. definietly more happy with it than chapter one, which i am furiously pretending does not exist. as always continuity errors and typos are due to my inability to edit. the next chapter is going to be here hopefully soon, but collage is taking up way more of my time than i anticipated!! ALSO! it will not copy italics from word which is very upsetting to me ... sorry about that


End file.
